I don’t know how to ever fix our dynamic. The dynamic which consists of me not trusting you, not healing, always hurting, always stigmatizing and being a bitch. Blaming you. You fulfilling all of that, this cycle of blame and hurt. I’m so mad at you. I’m mad at you for so many different things. I could go on and on with my list. I’m mad that I’m stuck with you for life. I’m mad that I love you so much, and you will never be what I want you to be or what I need. I’m mad that you’ll never stop hurting me. That you never put me first, and you never will. I’m mad at you for having a mental illness and being an addict. I’m mad at you for objectifying me and being a person who objectifies and uses women. I’m mad that you’re the person I had a baby with, even though I didn’t want to. I’m mad that every single thing is a struggle. I’m mad about all of the time I’ve invested, how much of myself I have lost because of you. I’m mad at myself for making you my scapegoat, and being such an unloving person. I’m mad at myself for not standing up for myself. I hate myself, and I hate you too. And I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sick of your enthusiasm, your hopefulness and your empty promises.

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I got home late after abandoning and going to cry in my car by myself for a half hour. I carried my bags and the three packages that were sitting downstairs. The bathroom smelled horribly of cat piss so I took the litter downstairs, dumped and scrubbed it out, and cleaned the cat litter off the bathroom floor, and then gave the toilet a quick wipe down. All of it, everything seemed to go unnoticed.

I’ve never felt so alone and trapped at the same time. I can’t even run away, I have nowhere to go. There’s nothing I can do. I’m so vulnerable. So uncomfortable. So helpless.

How can I fix this? What can I do to make things change when you just don’t give a shit? You are the way you are and that’s that. You don’t care how much it hurts me. You don’t care how much I cry about this. You don’t care how alone I feel. All you see is your own world and interests. You’re right, what am I going to do? When I say, I’m not okay with this, what am I actually going to do? I can’t control you, and you can’t control yourself. You have nothing to do with it. You can’t be held accountable, you are not responsible. How can I make you care? How can I make you help me? How can I make you do anything for me? It’s not even emotional participation at this point, it’s the god damn cat box. You’re heartless.

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April 26, 2014 · 5:29 am

I can remember my mom saying to me, are you stupid? i don’t even remember what i did wrong, just how much it hurt when she said that.

 

I know she felt bad. It’s  funny the things that stick out in our memory.

but am i stupid? am i a fool? did i really think it was only me and the unborn child? did i really think that was all that was needed from a person who thrives on myserty and secrecy and escape?

is it worth the trade off? being alone or being respected? 

if its true, how could he really do this to me? how can i see this as anything other than heartlessness?

 

 

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March 6, 2014 · 9:33 am

some kind of hangover

I couldn’t sleep last night, I couldn’t stop crying. About everything.. the past, the present, the future.

I’m so trapped. I want to escape but there’s no where to go. I have no where to run to. There is nothing I can do but try to make the best of my situation. There is no one who can help me but me.

This is so painful.

I’m not just me anymore, it’s not just my situation. I have to take care of my baby.

It’s crazy how oblivious someone can be. I feel like I’m screaming and still not being heard. There’s nothing I can do. I’m helpless.

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How can you feel so dead, when there’s something living inside of you?

This is the time when I should be at my best.. emotional, physically, spiritually. This is the time that I should be the most tuned in to my body. I should be happy, glowing, full of love. Not trapped, lonely and so sad and sick that I can not eat. It’s not the new life that makes me feel trapped, but the new life I will have and the inability to escape from those connected to that life. I should be so happy that I’ve gained a new family. I should be something that I’m not.

Should. Should I? What does that mean? Should is horrible and judgmental, but so am I right now. I just can’t stop hating myself even though I know that means I am harming the tiny soul inside me. That makes me hate me even more.

I know that the only solution is ever love. Love is patient and kind, heals all wounds and suffering. Love nourishes and comforts. Love is eternal.

I guess I just need to love that soul. I guess it’s the only appropriate response to what I’m feeling. And I guess I need to love myself. These seem like answers, but there’s been no epiphany. I already knew all this and it hasn’t made a difference. I still act friendly and happy with others, and then go home alone and cry by myself about how truly sad and pathetic I am. I’m just lost, and though I know I’ve been here before, I’m unable to see the light. What’s going to make the difference?

Maybe India will. Maybe this soul searching journey will help. I have already seen the pattern of struggling with depression and Johnny’s death right before that beautiful breath of fresh, spicy air right before the planes wheels hit the Delhi ground. This pattern doesn’t seem very sustainable, but for fuck’s sake what is sustainable?

Love?

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October 12, 2013 · 3:27 pm

Home

It’s funny. When you leave your home and wander really far, you always think, “I want to go home.” But then you come home, and of course it’s not the same. You can’t live with it, you can’t live away from it. And it seems like from then on there’s always this yearning for some place that doesn’t exist. I felt that. Still do. I’m never completely at home anywhere.

— Danzy Senna

Home is where the heart is?

Maybe home is where the radiant-love-being is. Maybe that means that when you’re not in that place, when you’re more like a wounded, disconnected from the divine, angry at the universe body, you feel so far from home. And you feel like nothing is quite right, and nothing will work. You become insatiable and escapist, creating bad habits because you just desperately need to be happy right now, and you need a quick fix. Something has to make this better! You can’t go on like this. Something needs to change. It hurts so much and nothing, nobody can take that pain away. Nobody can help, and there is no true escape.

That’s the place. The place that you have to stay, and truly feel. Let it absorb your whole being, and remember that everyone else feels this too. And then the more you connect with everyone else, the better you feel. The closer you get to home.

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Cast all your votes for dancing

I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.

I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.

But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.

You can stay that way
And even bloom!

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions’ beautiful laughter.

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved
And, my dear,
From the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.

Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel.

You are with the Friend now.
Learn what actions of yours delight Him,
What actions of yours bring freedom
And Love.

Whenever you say God’s name, dear pilgrim,
My ears wish my head was missing
So they could finally kiss each other
And applaud all your nourishing wisdom!

O keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions’ beautiful laughter

And from the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.

Now, sweet one,
Be wise.

Cast all your votes for Dancing!

-Hafiz

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